I wandered the aisles of Hobby Lobby. I was looking for comfort. For love. For purpose. For salve to my bleeding soul.
Asking too much of Hobby Lobby? Yeah–probably. Because I didn’t find it there… any of it.
Naturally, I made my way to Target. I bought myself a new pair of earrings. God knows I wear the same pair nearly every day. It was time.
I walk out of the store and drive home. The quiet and the space still feel overwhelming. I feel guilty. I should enjoy this space, this time alone. In the stillness of my house, I look to the floor. Toys, everywhere. And it paints a picture for me of my soul. My ever so cluttered soul.
It’s weighed me down for some time and now it’s unclear which layer to begin picking off. The act of even picking off exhausts me.
The fight against busy
I grow ancy and uncomfortable with that quiet, still place quickly. It bothers me I can’t sit and just be. My busyness–flitting here, there and everywhere–it’s becoming a curse. It’s so much a part of me, I don’t even notice I am doing something all the time.
Until my soul grows so weary that I physically become nauseous and think I’m going to be ill. Something is so terribly wrong. “Fix it!” my body cries out.
Should I drink coffee? Take a nap? Call a friend? Make a grocery list and meal plan? Write a post about how I have a cluttered soul and share it with the world?
Finding the source of my worth
What do I do?
What do I do? Why must I feel the need to do anything? What if all my doing is causing my clutter?
“But if I don’t do, my worth…” I start to say.
“Is in me.” My Lord finishes. “Remain in me, daughter. Be with me. Just be. Just breathe.“
I pick up the toys. Because symbolically it makes me feel like I’m cleaning up the clutter. Soon there will be room to breathe.
“Daughter, stop!” He says. “You are doing again. I am the vine. You are a branch. Apart from me, you can do nothing. Remain in me.”
My cluttered soul stops trying to find my way to doing joy and purpose.
I find my way, instead, to Him.
Putting my Jesus eyes on–once again
I climb into the window seat in my office, looking out, searching. “Give me your eyes. Teach me what it is to live here in this broken world as we anticipate your redemption and victory,” I begged. And in a hush, His words fall over me. Daughter, you are mine. Take up this identity, the only one that can fill your soul, allowing you live in victory even as you live broken.
So I bravely reach out to accept this identity, yet again. I am reminded that my soul has been filled with sandcastles and as they rise and fall, so have I–becoming blind to the kind of Truth and Joy and Hope that are not threatened by storms and giant waves.
Finding life among death and brokenness
As I trudge forward, broken, the laws of this world still shatter my heart. We weren’t meant to live under such laws as death and separation. Our beings push back against, because it is so unnatural. But You, God, gift a peace that survives against these deathly currents of life. You gift us grace that allows our souls to flex and learn and lean in to you more and more each day as we dance between broken and victory. You gift us love. The kind of love that pulls a music note through all of time of the purest sound. A redemptive note that never fades or goes flat or sharp, but stays true to Your character, Your faithfulness. Your love never fails.
These are the truths that must sink deep into my bones. As we walk through fire, storms and dark valleys–You are right there inside, beside, in front, behind, and all around me gifting me eyes to behold victorious gifts.
So my soul remains, remembering who I already am. I am already made complete. I discover that to live this different kind of brave is to know that nothing I face today will add or take away from who I am. Because I am already complete. I can enter each day, dive in, knowing He is in me and I, in Him. The joyful manifestation is that we get to build these sandcastles of life together. But first, I must remain.
Thanks for listening,
Can’t Steal My Joy: The Journey to a Different Kind of Brave was released on Sept. 17. To learn more about Bekah’s debut book and what others are saying about it, click here.