Many reach out to me with encouragement, affirmations. They mean a lot, but perhaps they mean too much to me. It’s easy to start thinking I’m responsible for the good happening around me. And that’s dangerous. People who need to be seen become invisible by my elevated shadow. I start making decisions out of my own knowledge and forget to seek God’s wisdom. The truth is, God is in all of this. He is working. And often, I get in the way.
True vulnerability here… I’m quick to grow annoyed by those closest to me, I have a biting sarcasm, I can do a good door slam, and demonstrate a lot more grace to those I don’t know than those who closely surround me on a daily basis. Yes, I am a thick headed knuckle brain. We’ve all heard that stat about 50% of marriages ending in divorce. Well that percentage jumps up to between 80-90% for families with kids with special needs. I would do you all a disservice if I write in vulnerable truth and honesty on this blog but refuse to address how this effects my marriage. This morning I sit with my Lord after multiple nights of little to no sleep (although last night was a good one! ), one too many arguments with my husband, and weariness on my soul that is caked on like a bitter, thick oil. No matter how hard I scrape away at it, there is still a film left that I can’t get rid of on my own. My heart cries out to my daddy, my Abba, my Lord:
“Protect me! Protect me from my pride, ignorance, my fear. I want to be filled with You – so much that we are one in soul. When You stir, I feel You. When You say move, I do so with abandon of any reserve I may have. Speak through me, but don’t let my fleshy self-centeredness get in the way, thinking I’m “all that”. I need You – to my core. We all do! I cannot survive without You! Protect my husband and I’s hearts from anger, anxiety and fear. Take away rage and sarcasm. Give us strength we need each day to deal with the stresses of life – these stresses that are way too much for us to handle on our own. Give us wise council. Give us love. Cut through the hard and angry. Please, Lord, change us! You are powerful in this story – don’t let us defile it by uncontrollable anger and falling into deep brokeness being swallowed up and blinded by it, saying hurtful things, but rather in our brokeness, bring victory! Bring love! Bring goodness! Undeniable, heart jolting, can’t-help-but-feel-it-and-smile kind of goodness! Give us fresh breath even in a stale room. Help us filter through pain and confusion and see Your glory and goodness. Allow us to undeniably feel what it means to be full of Your Spirit. Unstoppable momentum! Thank you for Your patience. We are not quick studies, we humans. We are stubborn, lazy, complacent. Rise up in Danny and I. Don’t leave us here. Take us to new heights of love and loyalty. Change our hearts. We are broken before you, working hard to make all look ok. We are not ok. We are not grace-filled. We are not first responders of love. Lord, I ache in repentance. Know my heart. Know my limits. And take me beyond those limits making it clear there is no other way to get there except through You, and knowing You are available to ALL! Today, when Satan pounds hard on our hearts and brings weariness that wants to unleash into anger and bitterness, break out Spirit of God! Be so strong that anger fizzles out. That sarcasm can’t make it past my tongue. That love gets to win today. Tear down these walls. After all, we know You make beautiful things out of us!”
And to my husband, as we just passed 10 years of marriage together, I love you. We are a team, journeying through what was truly the unimaginable to us just a few short months ago. I know you feel the heavy weight of the burden your family has to carry. And you feel the responsibility to stay strong, keep it together. This year, I pray for God to give you a safe place to fall apart and be built back up in love. For your strength to be sourced from a never ending source of hope and thankfulness. That you will see your value in this story, the need we have for you, my husband, and daddy to our boys. I pray you will be “seen” by me and others, but most importantly, seen by our Creator. I pray you will feel His unconditional love and that it would be enough. Hun, I pray for true, undeniable, bubbling over the top joy for you.
Thanks for listening…