Another 4 a.m wake up call my body isn’t ready for. I get up to meet my wide-awake son in the hallway. My head is spinning I’m so tired. I let everyone know if they only want ‘half a mama’ to continue to keep this up. (And yes, by everyone, I mean Ely and the dogs. Neither party cares, but I am frumpy.) I situate my little one with his breakfast and a Little Einstein episode and declare to anyone listening (read – no one) it’s time for mommy to go get an attitude adjustment.
I sit down, journal in hand, tears slipping down my face. I didn’t even know I was crying until I felt them. Sometimes they just appear like that. Weariness leaking out, I suppose. I sit to write, looking for what is in my soul that needs to be heard.
I write I. AM. SO. TIRED.
“I. AM. ” Says God, a gentle reminder.
“I. AM. in your weary state.”
“I. AM. in disease progression.”
“I. AM. in your guilt, anger and meltdowns.”
“I. AM. in the midst of your aching missing.”
“I. AM. in the center of your questioning.”
“I. AM. before, here and now, and forever.”
“I. AM. and will not change.”
“I. AM. victory and redemption.”
“I. AM. here, yours, ENOUGH.”
Putting my Jesus eyes back on
My perspective is taken back to clarity. My blinders lifted – My Jesus eyes on. I can see His glorious, unlimited resources. His sustaining love that has made it’s home in me and taught me over and over I can trust His love. I am reminded of how high, wide, and deep His love is. And how deep His love-roots have grown down in me to give me strength. I am reminded He is at work within us always and has been for generations and generations. Ephesians 3:16-21
He met me years ago journeying Batten disease with Titus and showed me unfettered joy even then:
I knew I would say yes to God no matter what the road ahead looked like. Because inside, I felt whole and new. My circumstances were the same, but my God was enough. My life was chaotic and exhausting, but my heart found peace. I watched as an ugly disease stripped away my son, but my eyes saw beauty.Can’t Steal My Joy: The Journey to a Different Kind of Brave – publishing fall of 2019
I Am. Fullness complete for you and I, nothing less and nothing more we could possibly add. I Am wraps up our brokenness and calls it redeemed- declares victory even as we live in the middle of the battle. For that, we are gifted resolve. To keep on keeping on. Not in senseless drudgery, but in Joyous Victory.
I am thankful for this gentle reminder turned monumental perspective shift. I am still tired. But I am His and He is I Am. So I cling again to the One who is the Vine. The Bread of Life, the First and the Last. The Way, the Truth and the Life. I. AM.
Thanks for listening,