Another 4 a.m wake up call my body isn’t ready for. I get up to meet my wide-awake son in the hallway. My head is spinning I’m so tired. I let everyone know if they only want ‘half a mama’ to continue to keep this up. (And yes, by everyone, I mean Ely and the dogs. Neither party cares, but I am frumpy.) I situate my little one with his breakfast and a Little Einstein episode and declare to anyone listening (read – no one) it’s time for mommy to go get an attitude adjustment.
I sit down, journal in hand, tears slipping down my face. I didn’t even know I was crying until I felt them. Sometimes they just appear like that. Weariness leaking out, I suppose. I sit to write, looking for what is in my soul that needs to be heard.
I write I. AM. SO. TIRED.
SO. TIRED.
I. AM.
“I. AM. ” Says God, a gentle reminder.
“I. AM. in your weary state.”
“I. AM. in disease progression.”
“I. AM. in your guilt, anger and meltdowns.”
“I. AM. in the midst of your aching missing.”
“I. AM. in the center of your questioning.”
“I. AM. before, here and now, and forever.”
“I. AM. and will not change.”
“I. AM. victory and redemption.”
“I. AM. here, yours, ENOUGH.”
Putting my Jesus eyes back on
My perspective is taken back to clarity. My blinders lifted – My Jesus eyes on. I can see His glorious, unlimited resources. His sustaining love that has made it’s home in me and taught me over and over I can trust His love. I am reminded of how high, wide, and deep His love is. And how deep His love-roots have grown down in me to give me strength. I am reminded He is at work within us always and has been for generations and generations. Ephesians 3:16-21
He met me years ago journeying Batten disease with Titus and showed me unfettered joy even then:
I knew I would say yes to God no matter what the road ahead looked like. Because inside, I felt whole and new. My circumstances were the same, but my God was enough. My life was chaotic and exhausting, but my heart found peace. I watched as an ugly disease stripped away my son, but my eyes saw beauty.
Can’t Steal My Joy: The Journey to a Different Kind of Brave – publishing fall of 2019
I Am. Fullness complete for you and I, nothing less and nothing more we could possibly add. I Am wraps up our brokenness and calls it redeemed- declares victory even as we live in the middle of the battle. For that, we are gifted resolve. To keep on keeping on. Not in senseless drudgery, but in Joyous Victory.
I am thankful for this gentle reminder turned monumental perspective shift. I am still tired. But I am His and He is I Am. So I cling again to the One who is the Vine. The Bread of Life, the First and the Last. The Way, the Truth and the Life. I. AM.
Thanks for listening,
Bekah
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What a great Mom and writer you are! Your words are like pictures and emotions melted together ~ so easy to see and feel. Beautiful. Please know that for several weeks I have been praying for Ely at 5:30 each morning and night. It never dawned on me that you and Ely might be up that early!! Blessings galore. Love, Skeeter
oh Skeeter! Thank you for your prayers! I imagine life sometimes like pushing a boulder up a mountain. Each time I hear of us being lifted in prayer, the boulder gets a bit easier to push because others have surrounded us and are pushing it with us. Its their boulder too and together we can do this broken journey together. Thank you for your love and prayers Skeeter!
Bekah, hugs, praises prayers.
Thank you so much.
I AM is exactly what I needed today.
You being such clarity to your walk with joy and praise.
Praying continuously.
So thankful this message resonates with others as well. Love you!
Bekah, you say Battens is progressing. Is it radically progressing? It make me sick to hear this.
I’m so excited about your book. It’s amazing as to how your life takes different roads but at each turn you can still say I AM. I love you so much and am to very honored to have you in my life.
Do a quick search for Late Infantile Batten Disease. That is what Titus had and what Ely is still battling. For parents whose kids are in this struggle, talking about the symptoms and progression can be emotionally taxing.
Hi Grammy Pammy, Ely’s progression is much, much slower. And while he is thriving in many ways, the disease continues to progress in other ways. It’s a long haul journey that most days I am incredibly thankful for with our little guy, but it’s teamed up with moments of just not enough to give it all at times. Love you!