Hi Friends. It’s been quite the couple of months. Our Christmas celebration was absolutely incredible, but I had to recover. To be completely honest, it’s been hard as new things have begun to pop up in my mind of plans we will need to consider for Titus in the future. And, as much as I’d love to say I’m always kind and loving, my selfishness and defensiveness have gotten the best of me because it hurts to let my guard down when it means I might not ever get it back up. Ever get to that moment where your brain just goes on overload and then quits working all together? Pretty sure I’ve been there emotionally and spiritually. And then yesterday morning, God met me, like He does… as I sit to listen knowing full well my ears are plugged and I doubt I’ll hear a thing. And instead of speaking to me through my ears, He speaks straight to my heart. So I needed to share…
I know truth. It’s in my head and usually in my heart, but how steadfast is it? Does truth flee as soon as my anger flares? My physical needs aren’t met? My fears come alive?
I’m led to Matthew chapter 3- the temptation of Jesus. He was alone, hungry- like 40 days and 40 nights fasting kind of hungry, just in the beginning of His ministry, and along comes Satan tempting him in vulnerable places. I’ve read this passage of scripture so many times. I am always in awe of Jesus and His ability to say just the right thing back. This time though, God allowed me to see something new. Truth. The steadfastness of Jesus’ replies- He zoned in on the lies so fast and answered back with resounding truth.
I have so many days of being worn down. Might be the result of a sleepless night, too many doctors appointments in a week, not eating right, arguments with my husband. Or sometimes all I can say is that I’m spiritually exhausted. I’m run down. Satan has been beating me down little by little and there are days when the truth minimizes and my selfishness maximizes. Truth becomes the unfocused background in my picture of life and rather than turning my lens to see truth clearest, I focus on self. On my needs that aren’t being met. And then I start getting angry. About life, about the disease, about all that has come upon our family. But rather than turn to God to be filled with truth, with hope, with peace, I turn to my bitterness to be filled with depression, anger, and joy sucked away. The way I go about my day begins to feel lifeless. All I can muster the energy to do is watch the clock tick by. My God given gifts are frozen in time, something locked away that I can’t fathom accessing… too much energy, way too much. My boys get a shell of me. Going through the motions- detached because, well honestly, right now, to truly attach and feel takes more energy than I have and it’s too hard. What has become of this joyful spirit in me? Where are you now, God? WHERE ARE YOU NOW? I’ve yelled this so many times.
Always,
Always,
Always, my heart is wrapped in a quiet presence. I break. I’ve been standing “strong” for so long, but really that version of me is a hardened empty shell that symbolizes strength in the world’s eyes, but not in My God’s. My God is okay with emotion. My brokenness welcomes Him, it does not deny Him.
And his response to me?
“What do I ask you to put on each day, daughter?” Of course. I turn quickly to a scripture that has impacted my life over and over again. Ephesians 6:10-18. The first part of that scripture? “Put on the belt of truth…” I whisper. I feel the gentle reminder that I have forgotten to put mine on.
Truth: I am loved. Still. Always. Even in my ugly selfishness. Even in my drowning depression. Even when my smile doesn’t meet my eyes. Even when I check out of life and check onto Facebook. Even when I say hurtful things to my husband simply out of my own insecurity. I am loved! I let that take root in me. When I remind myself that I am loved in those moments, lies cannot weave around my heart.
Truth: He is faithful! I can look back in my life, even to yesterday, and tell you how He provided exactly what I needed to get through. How He continues to do as He said and has given me new perspective, a heart that feels deeply for others hurting, a love for my family that goes beyond love we are capable of on our own. He amplifies all that is good! I see my son do a silly dance in my own eyes and yes, it’s funny and sweet and I love it. But when I see through His love in me, my joy in that moment is bigger, more satisfying. And yes, there are usually tears (and I’m far too guilty of holding them back more times than not… I wonder where we’d be if we allowed ourselves to fully feel). But they are from amplified emotions because I see God in it all. He reminds me that He is here. He never left. He is good. He is redemptive. These are all promises that He faithfully keeps.
Truth: This world is not all there is! We fight a very real physical battle against Batten Disease in our life. It’s easy to focus on the disease, the constant care, the fact that my boys are not getting better. When I forget the truth that we are here temporarily, I get so caught up in the fear of death, of loss, convincing myself that if I’m not fighting for my child to survive in this world, I’m not surviving either. But what we experience here on this earth is not a temporary spiritual experience. It is a temporary physical experience because there is more! So much more for my Titus! For me! For you! And that is truth! Our reward for fighting the spiritual battle here is not death… It’s the crown of life! Life with no pain, no sickness, no depression, no anxiety. No Satan- you cannot have your way with me here. My son- he will gain when he leaves this world. That fear you are using to grip my heart even now, in this moment as I write, telling me I won’t survive his loss, I won’t have anything left, I’ll be an empty shell… well, you’ve tried that already. And, as tears begin to fall again, I’m telling you to back off and get out, in Jesus’ name! He has continued to prove that what you think ought to break me down has in fact done the opposite.
“Dear brothers and sisters, when trouble comes your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.” James 1:2-4
Truth: I am not living these hard days to survive in this world. What reward is there in that? There will always be hardships. Always be struggles. I live in this world to discover more about my Father, His love and to love others as a result. And life we will gain! All of us!
When there is absence of truth in my life, I’m at the mercy of whatever my circumstances and emotions feed me. There is no strong foundation to filter them through. I am up, I am down. I have no control- no, in fact- they control me. No more. Hold on to truth! I am loved! He is faithful! There is more than this broken world! So, today, let my belt of truth glisten strong! Let my experiences today be seen through the truth of love, faithfulness, victory! I pray truth for your life as well, friends.
Thanks for listening…
Bekah
What you share of truth is so accurate. For all of us, all the time, in all of the difficult times of life, when we put ourselves first, when we disappear God from our lives.
Thank-you again for the reminders, Bekah.
My heart humbles everytime I read your posts and realize the tiny struggles I face are nothing in comparison. But, yet the Faith you hold onto is the most powerful medication that is offered in this world. My prayers continue for all of you and selfishly I learn how to be stronger from watching your strength and drawing for the same well of faith and love. May God continue to Bless this family.
Bekah, We have followed your blogs for some time now as we attend church with your brother and Sister-in-law Brad and Bekah. We often give Bekah a few moments before our prayer time in our S.S. class, and we are often praying for you, Danny and Titus and Eli, in class and during the week. Brad and/or Bekah forward your blogs to many of us and we are inspired by your sharing your faith in the heat and heart of this incredible storm, and it helps us to know how to pray for you all. While we don’t know what God will do in this deep need, we know He is at work and He loves you all deeply. and as I read in an earlier response, He is leading many people to prayer for you all. Just thought I would share with you just one of the many ways He is making people aware of the need to keep you guys in our prayers. I was at my Dentist’s office last weekand he asked me what my “Team for Titus” wristband was for. As I told him of your boys diagnosis, he took a few minutes to find out all he could from me, as he had heard about Battens, but did not know much about it, (I was glad I had read up on it, so I had a better understanding of this condition myself) and he was interested because he said “now I’ll have a better idea of how to pray for them”. Kind of made me wonder just how many people are spending time asking God for help on behalf of your boys and you and Danny. Keep looking to the Father and especially when the evil one would tryto steal your joy. May God bless you all as you walk this road trusting in Him.
Such wise words and reminders for all of us. Somehow each day you manage to draw from the word of God and absorb it into your daily living. I am amazed at you every time I read your blog, how you always draw words of comfort and share with us and so how all of us realize how loved we are.
I know He has you under His wing, this whole Bowman family; God is blessing you daily for your faithfulness. You will never know how you minister to each of us and help build our faith and help us to find strength
Thanks for the good word. One thing Jesus has been teaching since I was fired from my job,losing our house and retirement through bad council. God had kept me humble with this passage. Phillipians 4:6-7 Be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanks giving let your request be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus
Bekah, you touched my heart in such a very special way. Marc and I have recently been experiencing a difficult time and your words were so encouraging, I can’t wait to share with Marc. We love you.
This makes my heart so happy! Thank you for telling me! Much love to you and your family! 💛
Keeping your family and boys in my prayers daily. God will never let you down.
Put on the “full” armor of God….don’t let a tiny part of you to be vulnerable to satan. God will meet you at every crossroad…allow Him to carry you through the rough patches. Know you and your family are loved and prayed for daily by all of us. Don’t lose hope.
Bekah, it is very refreshing to see all of our prayers working In your lives, and that God does truly have a solid hold on you!! Any day satan can try to get you, but you guys have thrown him out each time that is major!!!!! Just also remember there are so many people praying for you guys even people you don’t know, we all are praying that he keep his hand on all of you guys tightly and to help Titus and Ely and to shield all of you from satan, please stay strong we are proud of how well you guys do and at the same time rebuking satan In Jesus name with kicks satan out a few states away from you. I know this is a long Comment but I felt pushed to say it. We will continue to pray for all of you!! Stay strong!
Thank you Bekah for sharing your heart and our God! We all need to see and hear the truth, we love you all and we keep the prayers going. Big hugs and lots of Love to you all!!